Ages

So it is 2 in the morning and I can't sleep.  I am sort of half awake so pardon my grammar.  I have had some insomnia over the last month or so.  I just can't stop my mind from racing at night.  Tonight I was laying in bed thinking about the last 4 years.  They have been maybe the most life changing 4 years I have experienced.  I think I am a different person then I was prior to 2007.  I sort of grew up.  Or at least grew into a new age of my life.

Before 2007 I was still "the student".  I was out of university, but I still had that frame of mind.  Absorbing the knowledge of others, I suppose.  Taking life a little too seriously.  Assuming I knew my place in this world.  Not bending on my ideals.  Having ideals and having a lot of carefree random fun.  In in April 2007 I lost my first baby to a miscarriage.  I think after that moment I moved into this new Age.

From April 2007 - Present, I have experienced the following:  I bought a home, I became engaged and then married, I got a good job, bought a new car, my traveling became structured vacationing or work travel, I had 2 pregnancies, lost a child, experienced the sensation of not breathing on my own,  learned to live with a pick line, has experienced daily visiting nurses, took in my little brother, was revitalized 2 times after my heart stopped, became a mother, watched my son live in a bubble for 2 months, experienced postpartum depression and severe anxiety attacks, went on disability and maternity leave, lost my grandmother, lost my good job, learned about unemployment,  watched my son take his first step, went to the ER for the first time in my life, went back to the ER, sat in a waiting room while my son was in surgery, watched my son say his first word, lost 3 dear family pets, grew closer to John,  watched my son turn into a little boy, learned more about myself, became confused, learned how insignificant and small I am in this world and excepted it...

I know it is kind of jumbled, and there is not a lot of detail about any one event.  That is what has been going through my mind at night.  Those are some of the thoughts that race through my mind.  Reviewing my recent life.  I think I just needed to write it down.  Life is just a little too much sometimes.  I don't regret a day, but it can be overwhelming.  Just my life, just one life.  How overwhelming is it to think that there are billions of people in this world.  All of them small and insignificant, but with such a huge internal existence.  It really is a strange reality.

Dear John

Our second wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I just wanted to let you know what you mean to me.  I still don't really think of you as a "husband", I think of you more as my universe.  Like the universe, in the last 11 years our relationship has been constantly expanding.  Every experience, memory and hardship adds to our existence as a couple.

You woke me up.  I was drifting in a dream before I met you, and I love you for that.  You touched me and I woke up.  The first time we met.  You made contact with me.  You made it okay to touch, to feel, to hold.  I am forever grateful to you.  You listened to me for hours.  We spoke, we laughed, we cried.  You understood why I need you.  I understood why you need me.  You made me whole.  You still make me whole.

Thank you for everything you have done for us.  Thank you for sleeping with me on the bottom bunk.  Thank you for picking me up from UB on 9/11.  Thank you for the trip to Cleavland.  Thank you for listening to my issues and making me feel like they are important.  Thank you for coming to Thanksgiving Dinner.  Thank you for bring Beatles CDs to the ICU.  Thank you for sleeping next to me every night you can.  Thank you for living with all the fuzzy things in our home.  Thank you for putting up with my insanity.  Thank you for returning the fruit.  Thank you for knowing how to talk to people.  Thank you for making me laugh.  Thank you for making everyone around you laugh too.  Thank you for taking me to the park.  Thank you for letting me have Toci.  Thank you for Lennon.

I love you.  I love when you look at my eye ball.  I love when you draw ducks and clouds jumping on trampolines.  I love that you touched that deer in the forest.  I love that you had a hippo sticker in your Corolla.  I love you for laughing at the rubber hand on the roof of the dirty youth hostel in London.  I love you for getting a B in SCIENCE.  I love that you think Lennon is going to bump his head.  I love that you love cartoons.  I love that old ladies love you.  I love that you talk to gas station attendants for 15 minutes about their life.  I love that you actually really care about the gas station attendant's life. I love that you dream of being Italian.  I love that you are a great dad.  I Love that you are my universe.