Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My Life and Death Part II -"...for in that sleep of death what dreams may come."
I remember waiting to go into the OR for my DNC. I remember the nurse telling me I would be out soon. I remember seeing the nurse and doctors pushing me into the room lifting me off the bed and laying me on the cold operating table. I thought I was screaming for them to stop. I thought I was crying. Thinking back I couldn't have been because even if I was concious, I couldn't breath enough to yell out or cry. After that I was out.
When I woke up what happened over the next couple of days was the closest thing to a living hell and heaven I have experienced. I am not a religious person. I cannot really put the events into chronological order because time lost all meaning. I was in a waking dream. Eternity was now and everywhere. There was no past and no future. There is peace in that.
I remember first thinking where is my baby and where am I, in that order. Then I remember taking a breath and nothing happening. Nothing at all. People in uniforms quickly reconnected several tubes. Breath came back, but it was painful. I noticed then that my face was full of tubes to breath for me. I had to think of every breath. Every breath brought pain. My OBGYN came in and told me my heart had stopped and I had died in the OR. He also told me how riddled with MRSA my body was. It was in my blood, my lungs, my heart, my brain, my spine and anywhere else that mattered. During my week in the ICU I would hear nurses outside my room discussing my imminent death between shifts.
I could not cry or mourn my daughter's death, because if I did I would stop breathing. My days were spent counting breaths and having tests done. The tests were bad. The worst is what I believe is called an air gas test? I don't really know what it is for, but they took a needle and put it in my wrist, and it felt like they were scraping it around in my veins. I am cringing remembering it. When ever I was able to sleep I would always be woken up by x-ray technician lifting my onto a cold metal slab. Th IVs were horrible as well. I woke up one morning with three in one arm and two in the other. The worst IVs were those in the hands and wrists. The worst medicine was the potassium. They had it pumping into my arm through an IV, it burned.
Every thought that made my cry I had to box up in my mind. Put it in a box and concentrate on breathing, look at the monitor, look at the numbers, listen to the beeps, wiggle my toes, breath, repeat. Talk to the nurse, does she have a family, whats her name, why is she here. Listen to the girl dieing in the next room, she had cancer, she sounded young, a girl, maybe a teen, maybe she doesn't drive yet, maybe she never made love, maybe she has a dog, maybe the dog will miss her... don't cry, put that in a box.
When I woke up I felt sad, peace, trapped, found and then lost again. I craved death. I wanted to be a part of the roots tangled with Marlee for eternity. Loving. Life changed. Everything became abstract except the energy of life and the universe. To die would to be pure again, to be away from what isn't real. Time, Buildings, Money, Work, School, Food, Clothes, Religion, Politics, Vacation, Location. Everything lost all meaning for me. None of it was real. I am still coping excepting the reality of some of these things, these unnecessary inventions of mankind. Get over it people!!!! Love you family!!! The End! That is it, there is no more. You are important in NO other way, but in loving your family(which doesn't mean blood relations) you are the most important person. You connect with every life you encounter. Every connection will come back to you on you death bed. When they say on your death bed life flashes before your eyes, they do not mean the vacation you took to Disney when you were 7. Life is the connections you make and the love you disperse, so be wise.
I wanted death, all I had to do was stop trying and I could die. Stop counting the breaths. I learned another important lesson in the ICU, instinct. My instinct trumps my wish to die. I craved death so bad it was one thing that at one point I could not box in and I started crying, next thing I knew every doctor on the floor was in my room because all of my monitors went off. Every time I woke up from sleep I was disappointed. I wanted to return to no pain, peace, no time and Marlee. I knew John would be okay, I knew it would work out for him eventually if I was gone. He would mourn, but life goes on. Life went on for me as well.
I became stronger, I could stop counting, I went "home"