day 5 - your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate

My horoscope - The fire within you may be burning brightly, Sagittarius, but unfortunately, there isn't a great deal of fuel available to keep it going. It may seem as if people are trying to rain on your parade, but they're just trying to do their duty. Relax and contemplate what's going on around you. This may not be the best day to implement change and promote new ideas.
Yes! It is accurate! We are leaving to go on vacation. I am trying to pack and get organized. I am exhausted!!! I just cannot seem to get motivated to do what I need to do. It is funny because yesterday I was so "on the ball". I got so much done. Today I just want to sleep. Every task feels exhausting! My brain isn't thinking thoughts all the way through before it shuts off. I don't think anyone is trying to rain on my parade, except may myself.

day 4 - a list of things you’re good and bad at

Things I am good at:
expressing myself
getting through difficult situations
being flexible and open minded
training/teaching
being a mommy
planning events (like vactions and parties)
drawing/painting
finding/researching obscure information
being creative
supporting friends and family
listening

Things I am bad at:
cleaning
keeping  my home organized
driving (so I have been told )
dealing with daily stress
math
finding a job
being in a crowded room
having blood taken
drawing a strieght line

day 3 - write about your family

As many do, I have a lot of family.  I have to draw a line somewhere.  So I am just going to write about the family I live with, that would include my husband and my son.

John is my other half.  We have been together for over 12 years and we have been married for 3.  When we met we were young and in college.  When our relationship started we were just two students who wanted to experience life together.   We have grown together.  I love John more ever moment I know him.  He is one of the most determined and loyal people I have ever know.  He is an amazing father, I always knew he would be.  Is eyes light up when he sees his son.

Lennon (Lenny) is a 2 year old.  If you have ever known a 2 year old, you know Lenny.  He is so full of raw joy that he can't contain it and it spreads to everyone around him.  I have never been angry with him.  Everything he does is wonderful and adorable in my eyes.  When he does something "bad" I have to hide my face to keep from smiling.  He laughs, he dances, he is a crazy little man.  He is everyone's reason to smile when they run out of reasons.

day 2 - where you would like to be in 10 years

This is a tough question, because I am pretty lost right now in some aspects of my life.  In ten years it will be 2021 and I will be 40.  I guess I would like to have more direction by that point.  I hope to have a better grasp of what I should be doing with my life that is the best for my family.  Right now my world is a little upside down as far as what I am doing.  I have a wonderful family that I love dearly, but I am unemployed.  I am torn mostly because being at home with my son everyday is by far one of the best experiences I have ever had.  On the other hand, we are not making a whole lot of money, John is working two jobs, and making ends meet is becoming increasingly difficult.    Money is not a focus in our life.  I like it that way.  But... we need to be able to take care of ourselves.  What needs to happen is I either need to start bringing in more money, John needs to be able to bring in more money or I need to learn to better manage the money that is coming in.  I am working on better managing the money that is coming in, but as far as the next ten years are concerned...  I do not know what will be the best option at this point.  If I am to get a job, should I continue doing what I have done in the past?  I am a good trainer, but is that what I should be doing?  It means I may have to be away from my family more then would be desirable.  Should I venture into another career?  If so what?  Should I stay at home and focus on Lennon, and just do very careful budgeting?  I don't know....  I guess the answer to "where would I like to be in the next 10 years" is that I would like to have these questions answered.

day 1 - introduce yourself

I started this blog in 2010... I think.  It would have been right at the beginning of 2010.  I introduced myself then.  I will have to read what I wrote then and compare it to what I am about to write...  see if I am still the same person.
I am Julie.  I am 30.  I am Lennon's mom.  I am John's other half.  I lost a child, her name was Marlee.  I am unemployed.  I have two brother's, Mykle and Kevin.  I have brown hair, brown eyes and I am extremely pale.  I love my paleness.  I also love my freckles after I have been out in the sun.  My parents live and breath for their children and I love them for that.  I am easily distracted.  I have an active imagination.  I adore animals, I sometimes place more respect on them then I do on other people.  I am a bit of a shut in if I allow myself to be.  I get insanely intence headaches that make all other pain in my live feel less significant.  I love to experience life in all of its perspectives and dimensions.  I love to plan trips.  I love to witness moments that take my breath away.  I am obsessed with ridiculous conspiracy theories, even when I know they are not true.  I often come across over confident when I am nervous.  I have a lot of Love in my life.
That is me in a nut shell.  Day 1 down, 29 to go :)

30 Day Blog Challenge

I want to get in the habit of writing more often.  I thought this might be a good way to get started.  We will see :)

30 Day Blog Challenge

1. introduce yourself
2. where you would like to be in 10 years
3. write about your family
4. a list of things you’re good and bad at
5. your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate
6. write 30 interesting facts about yourself
7. your favourite 10 people right now and why
8. write about something you believe in, anything at all
9. a list of things hanging on your walls
10. places you want to visit, and why
11. the best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given
12. bullet point your whole day.
13. write about your earliest childhood memory
14. what gives you every day inspiration?
15. things that make you really sad
16. things that make you really angry
17. your highs and lows of this past year
18. write about what’s most often on your mind
19. a passage from a book that has touched you
20. 5 things you’re looking forward to
21. your favourite subject to study
22. how have you changed in the past 2 years?
23. something you would like to change about yourself
24. something you would change about the world
25. things you do on a rainy day
26. is it easy for you to trust others?
27. what are features you get complimented on a lot?
28. something that you miss
29. what you think your reason for being here is
30. what is the difference between living and existing

Ages

So it is 2 in the morning and I can't sleep.  I am sort of half awake so pardon my grammar.  I have had some insomnia over the last month or so.  I just can't stop my mind from racing at night.  Tonight I was laying in bed thinking about the last 4 years.  They have been maybe the most life changing 4 years I have experienced.  I think I am a different person then I was prior to 2007.  I sort of grew up.  Or at least grew into a new age of my life.

Before 2007 I was still "the student".  I was out of university, but I still had that frame of mind.  Absorbing the knowledge of others, I suppose.  Taking life a little too seriously.  Assuming I knew my place in this world.  Not bending on my ideals.  Having ideals and having a lot of carefree random fun.  In in April 2007 I lost my first baby to a miscarriage.  I think after that moment I moved into this new Age.

From April 2007 - Present, I have experienced the following:  I bought a home, I became engaged and then married, I got a good job, bought a new car, my traveling became structured vacationing or work travel, I had 2 pregnancies, lost a child, experienced the sensation of not breathing on my own,  learned to live with a pick line, has experienced daily visiting nurses, took in my little brother, was revitalized 2 times after my heart stopped, became a mother, watched my son live in a bubble for 2 months, experienced postpartum depression and severe anxiety attacks, went on disability and maternity leave, lost my grandmother, lost my good job, learned about unemployment,  watched my son take his first step, went to the ER for the first time in my life, went back to the ER, sat in a waiting room while my son was in surgery, watched my son say his first word, lost 3 dear family pets, grew closer to John,  watched my son turn into a little boy, learned more about myself, became confused, learned how insignificant and small I am in this world and excepted it...

I know it is kind of jumbled, and there is not a lot of detail about any one event.  That is what has been going through my mind at night.  Those are some of the thoughts that race through my mind.  Reviewing my recent life.  I think I just needed to write it down.  Life is just a little too much sometimes.  I don't regret a day, but it can be overwhelming.  Just my life, just one life.  How overwhelming is it to think that there are billions of people in this world.  All of them small and insignificant, but with such a huge internal existence.  It really is a strange reality.

My Life and Death Part III

So I haven't blogged for a while.  I have been meaning to finish writing about my first pregnancy for a long time.  I think this will be the last part.  I just wanted to write about grief.  I don't think grief comes in stages that pass.  I think grief comes in waves that ebb and flow.  Sometimes it is overwhelming, emotional, painful and sometimes it is numb but it is always there.  Especially the grief from losing a child. I shouldn't say that.  All I have ever lost is a child.  I don't know the other types of pain.

When I left the hospital I didn't go home.  I actually never returned to the apartment where I lost my Marlee.  While in the hospital John and I began the process of closing on our first home.  Luckily most of the work was done before the hospital stay.  John handled what was left.  The house wasn't ready to move into so I stayed with my parents.  This turned out to be a more practical solution anyway.  I was sent home on an IV and I really needed assistance doing day to day activities.  They turned their living room into a bedroom for me because I could not use the stairs.  I felt helpless and empty.  I was a child and not a mother.  I was alone.  

Every day the boxes I had kept my emotions, pain and grief in began to open.  Each new box brought new tears, new pain, new anger.  Days felt like years.  Lonely empty years.  I would wake up in the night and feel that Marlee was not there, was not with me, inside me and I would cry.
I stayed with my parents for about a month and then moved into my new home.  It was hard to see the room we were going to turn into the nursery.  It was a storage room for a while.  Now it is an office.  I am sitting in her room now.  Every time I sit here I think about it being a little girl's room.  With toys on the floor and hand drawn pictures on the wall.  It is like she is here, with me.
My first summer after my loss was extremely difficult.  I would have wildly uncontrollable melt downs.  I would cry at the site of a baby on TV.  I would fold the clothes that we had bought for her.  I wished to be with her.  I didn't want to live.  I wish I had died in the hospital.  I couldn't stand the thought of waking up another day.  She was with me always, but it was like she was behind glass.  I knew she was there, but I could never touch her, hug her or hear her laugh.  Everyday I thought about what she would be doing if she was here with me, what she would look like.  I wish I could have held her.  I wish I could have known her smile.  I wish I could have looked into her eyes and told her I loved her.
Weeks passed, months passed and years passed.  I still think of Marlee everyday.  I still feel empty.  Her life was torn away from me.  I still have nightmares about the day I knew I lost her.  I still think about seeing her lifeless little body on the Ultra Sound screen and not seeing her little heart flicker.  I miss her.
John and I decided to try to have another baby.  I secretly thought another life inside me would make me feel complete again.  Less empty.  It didn't.  My son is my life.  I love him more then I thought I was able to love.  He makes me want to wake up in the morning.  He makes me want to live.  I still feel empty though.  I still miss Marlee.

I think of her hugging her baby brother, playing with her cousins.  When my son reaches various milestones in his life I think about her.  How I will never be there for her big days.  I am not there for her first step, her first word, her first dance.  I feel like I have abandoned my daughter in exchange for life.  I wish she was here.  I wish I could know her and see her.
It is hard.  I think I bother people when I talk about her.  I am not the only woman who has had a miscarriage.  I just seem to talk about mine a lot.  My life often revolves around my loss.  A lot of people don't like hearing about it.  I remember shortly after I lost Marlee talking to other women about "pregnancy stories" at a baby shower.  People sort of ignored me.  I wasn't talking about loosing my child, I was talking about morning sickness, ultra sounds and doctors.  The same thing everyone else was talking about.  When I spoke people looked at me funny and ignored me.  Even now, when I talk about my "first" pregnancy compared to my "second" people don't like to hear what I have to say.  People don't like to hear that I grieve for a child I never met.  They either do not understand my pain, or choose to ignore it.  I just don't want the world to forget her.  I don't want to forget her.  She is my daughter.